Holy living shit, it's Monday and I haven't even started working on the press packet for the new Hives album. What the?! Oh, hey, boss... Yikes! The bossman says it's due in a half hour! Guess I'm gonna have to shit this one-sheet out like the rest of them! Okay now, let's see what this album's called. * Tyrannosaurus... oh, brilliant! I've got an idea. A brilliant fucking scheme. Hot hell, I am the world's fucking greatest genius. The press is going to eat this bio up. I won't even need to listen to the album! Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I present to you the first line of the one-sheet...*
"Tyrannosaurus Hives is the biggest party of the year and you're all invited-- even you, Pangaea."
A fine opener! Give me the pulitzer, Mr. Pulitzer, because I am the fucking prize! Shit, did dinosaurs live on Pangaea or Panthalassa? Thalatta Thalatta! Ha. Funny, Xenophon. Anyway, that's a terrible opening line. I better start over. Ahhh finger-snapping fuckface, keep your pants on! I got a good one.
"This album's got rock, it's got roll, and it's named after a dinosaur-- what more could you ask for!"
BAM! Give me the daytime Emmy for press writing, because I am watching TV right now. Hmmm... "what more could you ask for?" I guess you could ask for more rock. And I guess it could be named after two dinosaurs instead of one dinosaur. This won't work. * Tyrannosaurus... oh mando, this is it.*
That's it! Press packet gold! Good morning, Mr. Newbury. Hello Dr. Caldecott. * Wait, even better!*
God, how awesome would it be if there were a dinosaur named Awesome Awesome? Pretty fucking awesome! You know, I'm writing all this stuff... I wonder if Tyrannosaurus Hives is awesome. Maybe I should put on this album. Where's that CD? Oh, hot. Holy drum roll! Mando, this is already better than * Barely Legal and Veni Vidi Vicious. Hmm...*
Man, am I hilarious. Fuck, I only got 15 minutes now! I gotta buckle down and listen to this album. Okay, this song's called "Abra Cadaver." That's pretty good name, maybe I can just whoa! * Sounds like the Stooges on* Raw Power*! So much energy! I got it, I know the opening line now:*
But I can't say that! I haven't even listened to the whole album yet! What's this? "Walk Idiot Walk"?!?! This has to be about dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are such idiots! They're so stupid! Oh my god, this song sounds like a thousand dinosaurs, all jamming at the same time. The drummer is seriously holding this together with those tom beats, and oh damn, the way Howlin' Pelle Almqvist matches up in unison with the guitar staccato, that's pretty badass. Man, I know what this sounds like-- the fuckin' Stones!
Ha ha, but the Stones are dinosaurs if you know what I mean! Motherfucking Mary, whenever something sounds like the Stones, I'm gonna say it's stoned*!*
Ha ha, I love robots. Oh man, "No Pun Intended" is straight-up Buzzcocks! The chords are flying here! And that bass drum on the upbeat is killing me. Ha, Pelle just sang, "So you look for authenticity, but I can't say why it's bothering me." Pelle, man, relax, this is garage rock*. We're not looking for some new sound here. We're looking for* energy*, dude. We're looking for hooks and unexpected turns and momentary freedom from musical boredom. Smart songwriting and energetic delivery-- you guys have both of them down damn well, and you know what? I don't think you get enough credit. It's really obvious on this album: You guys don't want to change the face of rock music-- you said you just want to be the greatest rock 'n' roll band ever, and I'm happy to meet you on your own terms. But maybe I'm just really high right now.*
Ha ha. Delete delete delete delete. Whoa, is that a synthesizer I hear now? What's this song called? Hot hot motherfucking heat! "A Little More for Little You" swings like a power-pop song! Mandorino, that huge chromatic surf-rock riff on "B Is for Brutus" just topples over some solid blues Stones work! I mean, it's fucking stoned*! Wait, new song. "Diabolic Scheme." Do I hear strings? Disco time!*
Damn, Pelle's howlin'. This is terrifying! "Diabolic Scheme" has to be the best song on the album. Man, how am I going to tell people about how awesome this crazy fucked-up blues waltz sounds? Oh, I got it!
Ha ha, that nerd. Oh damn, the boss is back! Stop screaming at me, dude! Shit, I need to give this fucker something prontorino!
"Ladies and gentlemen of the press, join me in welcoming Tyrannosaurus Hives into this Jurassic Park we call life."
