WASHINGTON-- In a stunning move reflecting yet another shift in our nation's defense strategy, the Pentagon today unveiled plans to resuscitate a controversial weapons project that has been neglected for over a decade.
"Ladies and gentleman, tomorrow's battles will not be fought on the ground, in the air, or even under the water, but will require entirely new military technology to be developed," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced in a press conference this morning. "To defend ourselves from the increasingly powerful forces of terrorism worldwide, we must turn to one of our country's most valuable resources: the supergroup."
The American supergroup arsenal has been steadily dwindling in power since the late 1960s, when star-studded projects like CSNY and Blind Faith were used as a deterrent in the Cold War with the Soviet Union. Further development of supergroup technology occurred during the Reagan Years, focusing mainly upon the Traveling Wilburys agenda. But recent reports have warned that these weapons lie mostly in a state of disrepair, with the majority of their components dead, fat, and/or balding. As such, the Pentagon has started from scratch by introducing entirely new designs.
"Our first rollout in the new American Supergroup Program is the Long Winters," said Nick Person, Director of Supergroup Strategy for the Department of Defense, "a project being developed at a confidential location somewhere in the Northwestern United States. Many details of this operation are highly classified, but I've been authorized to tell you it centers around singer/songwriter John Roderick, and features members of the Posies, Built to Spill, Sunny Day Real Estate, Fountains of Wayne, and Death Cab for Cutie."
Thomas Zimmermann, founder of the private organization Citizen Supergroup Monitor, notes that the announcement of the Long Winters reflects a profound shift in the military's use of its supergroup resources. "Recent attempts to develop new supergroup weaponry involved taking musicians from high-profile groups, like the embarrassing failure of the Phish/Primus/Police hybrid, Oysterhead. Researchers found that placing three or more egotistical, renowned musicians in a band creates a volatile mixture prone to excessive noodling and horrendously ineffective songwriting. The Long Winters project, by assembling its components from less popular but critically lauded bands, indicates a new direction for the Supergroup Program."
An anonymous source from inside the Pentagon confirmed this analysis. "When Canada went public with the New Pornographers last year, it was a big embarrassment for the entire military. We'd always joked about Canada's seemingly negligible supergroup capabilities, laughing at the idea of the Canucks combining Bryan Adams, Celine Dion, and the bassist from Loverboy. But when the Canadians tapped into their surprisingly rich indie rock resources and released Mass Romantic, we were all caught off guard."
Meanwhile, when pressed for information during a Pitchfork interview, Death Cab's Ben Gibbard refused to directly comment on rumors of his involvement in the Long Winters: "I've never met a lot of those people, we're not comrades or anything, we don't play music together." Despite this denial, inside sources have confirmed to this reporter that Mr. Gibbard plays drums on the album's radioactively catchy "Carparts," while bandmate Chris Walla lends his quirky production and keyboard skills throughout the album.
The Worst You Can Do Is Harm is the name of the debut release from the Long Winters, and we feel it adequately reflects the considerable strengths of this new project," Mr. Person explained at today's press conference. "Rooted in the traditional American country-rock style of Wilco and Clem Snide, developers have also added a glaze of poppy harmonies and synthesizer melodies. With highly infectious songs like 'Government Loans' and 'Scent of Lime,' the album has more than enough firepower to keep the Axis of Evil states in line."
However, some skeptics temper the government's optimism about the Long Winters agenda. "The album most definitely has its flaws," says Mr. Zimmermann. "Roderick's throaty nicotine vocals really wear thin over the course of ten tracks. 'Medicine Cabinet Pirate' and 'Unsalted Butter' are both good songs that run too long, and, well, 'Samaritan' and 'Copernicus' are just flat out duds. Generally, however, it's a strong first step for the revival of the Supergroup Program. I can't get 'Carparts' out of my frickin' head."
But Zimmermann cautions, "Technically, the Long Winters are not so much a supergroup as a collection of Roderick's songs recorded with the assistance of his luminous friends in the indie rock world. By unconditionally labeling them a supergroup, it's as if the military were writing a highly conceptual, overly clever record review and needed to fudge the details slightly to make an album fit the idea."
Nevertheless, the American Supergroup Program is once again a top priority of the Pentagon. "Searches of seized bunkers in Afghanistan show preliminary indications that al Qaeda has been developing their own supergroup, purchasing guitarists and drummers on the black market from former Soviet Republics," said Person. "In response, we are pursuing Dan the Automator for a high-ranking position in the supergroup developmental program, and trying to arrange a resource-sharing coalition with England. By 2003, we project a Thom Yorke/Del tha Funkee Homosapien/Will Oldham assembly will be ready for deployment to armed forces stationed around the world."
