"Jet! You're finally here! Nice to meet you; I'm Vali, I run the venue. Jesus, guys, I wasn't sure you were gonna show up tonight."
"Nice. But listen: You guys got a job to do now. We got a packed house, like, 50,000 shitfaced Americans out there and upwards of five Belgian exchange students, all of them dying for a fresh take on the old-school rock 'n' roll. You Aussie sons of bitches think you can handle that? I mean not that I'm worried, I have complete faith in you guys. Just go out there and give them what they want."
"Wait, man, are you telling us what to do? Fuck you, we're Jet! Wherever we play people sleep with us."
"That's great, but the crowd's getting anxious. You gotta get out there and play 'Last Chance'. People will love the shit out of that one."
"Hey, all you American motherfuckers, we're Jet! Here's a song that sounds like AC/DC, a band you love."
"Man, American crowds are fucked up. Everybody loves AC/DC. That song is practically an AC/DC song."
"Guys, guys, don't worry about it, the crowd just needs to get warmed up. Go out there and do your big hit, 'Are You Gonna Be My Girl'. Seriously, the crowd is gonna eat this shit up. We got all the AV effects you wanted: Right now we got event security bringing out thirty fuckin' angry alligators with top hats on, Iggy Pop's gonna shoot out of that cannon, and midway through we're gonna send in the kid from the iPod commercial. Still working on the Oxycontin, though, sorry."
"Fine, okay, done. Look, the crowd wants you back, just get back out there. Everything's all set. This time, the shit's gonna rock."
"Hey assholes, it's us again, Jet! Here's the song you came to hear, a shameless rip-off of 'Lust for Life' by Iggy Pop, who is here with us tonight in this cannon."
"Guys, I don't know what to tell you. I think you need to do some ballads. The crowd wants to hear some ballads. You got anything that sounds like Oasis, The Wallflowers, Bon Jovi?"
"Fuck you, man, we have songs that sound exactly like those guys. These kids won't know the difference. Awright, motherfuckers, let's get out there and melt some hearts. Hello again, Americans! Do you like insipid love songs that sound like wedding band covers? Get ready for five of them!"
"Wow, I have never seen that happen before. I'm sorry about this, but you guys are gonna need to come up huge. Do you have anything you can do?"
"Perfect! Everybody loves the Stones. Just get out there and do them. Maybe throw in a song called 'Get What You Need', which theoretically would sport a pilfered Kinks' guitar riff from 'All Day and All of the Night' and a bassline kidnapped from The Temptations' 'Get Ready'. If there's one thing Americans love, it is Rock-Motown. Just go give them some Stones, which they love, then a little honky-tonk piano because that's awesome, then close with some Rock-Motown."
"Oh my god, this is terrible. Jet! Come here. Stop playing. Listen, you guys are not going over at all. I can count the people out there on one fist. You better bail out quick."
"Dude, I don't understand. We sound like everyone's favorite old rock bands, we have insipid lyrics, we say 'Come On!' and 'Oh Yeah!' every five seconds, we have no discernable identity, and we're from Australia. What could people possibly dislike about us?"
"No idea, brah. Listen, why don't you do one more song, like about how DJs aren't actually musicians and you don't get how they pull tail."
"Oh, you mean 'Rollover DJ'? The one that goes, 'You've been playing other people's songs all night,' right?"
