Good news, punks! Thanks to your complete lack of faith in the essential decency of the American economy, Dow Jones Chairman Peter Kahn has imposed a complete revamping of the criticism industry. Things will now be judged on a scale ranging from "of divine inspiration" to merely "essential". Now, stop that medicinally induced nervous shaking, kid. Pitchfork would never steer you wrong! It's just that, to stay in business, we're going to be operating within some pretty tricky loopholes now. But, hey, when change is too close to threatening your well-being, just make a game out of it!
We're gonna do a little something here called "assessing the monetary value of Aden's fourth album"-- the sound and songs of which, incidentally, are no different whatsoever from the band's already homogenous and uncharacteristic previous three-- "by adding up each song's specific worth." Rules?
we add it up and juxtapose the final number against its $14.95 price tag to find out how much TeenBeat is screwing you out of!
Still confused? It's okay, stupid! You have a simplified two-digit rating located directly above all these abusive and perplexing words that should steer you in the right direction. No, not there. To the left. EXACTLY.
"Intro" / $0.01How disingenuous is it to have a song titled "Intro" lead off your album these days? Especially a half-minute, unaffecting organ meditation? Not fucking very!
"Racking Up Mistakes" / $0.25The Elliott Smith influence begins to make its first appearances here. Unfortunately, white-bred tenor Jeff Gramm once again fails to invoke the lyrical or sonic intensity of his influences, leaving us with just another pastiche love song of needless complication.
"Mango Tree" / $0.25People who are not affiliated with Stuart Murdoch should not play the euphonium. In fact, I think it's safe to say that Murdoch himself shouldn't play the euphonium anymore. Show of hands? Indeed.
"Pop Song" / $0.10The first real indication of inflation in Aden's world of pensive mid-tempo exercises in the key of Oui. Just like currency, the more of these you produce, the cheaper each one becomes. If you've heard Aden, you know this one by heart. I've thrown in a bonus nickel for how the anonymous title so accurately sums up both the song and the band's level of interest in playing it. Nice imagination, guys!
"River's Rising" / $0.50Out of left-field (by way of Texarkana) comes this pretty and subdued piece, adorned with lazy banjo lines straight from a Jody Stecher record. Nothing revelatory, mind you, but at least it finds Aden drawing from a more esoteric musical palette.
Boggle Champs / $0.02See "Racking Up Mistakes", "Mango Tree", "Pop Song", "The Chase" and "Rapt Attention".
"Smiles and Frowns" / $0.01See "Racking Up Mistakes", "Mango Tree", "Pop Song", "The Chase", "Rapt Attention" and "Boggle Champs".
"Readenator" / $0.00See "Racking Up Mistakes", "Mango Tree", "Pop Song", "The Chase", "Rapt Attention", "Boggle Champs" and "Smiles and Frowns".
Pitchfork Pricing Index: $0.29But what's a selfless $14.66 if it'll help kill off the media vultures at CNN who've been circling the economy all year? Remember: You can't spell "United States of America" without 'You', Ese!
