Travis: Alright, dude, here's what we got: two EPs by these Hella fuckkers. Guitar-and-drums duo from Sacramento... don't we know these guys?
Aaron: Hold up. Most of the tracks on both EPs have funny titles, also. "Ho's in the House"? "Post-Ivy League Depression"? Are these some highbrow dorks trying to lick the collective Buddyhead gooch or something? Is it any good?
Aaron: But dude, I don't know... instrumentals? I thought them Chicago post-rock pussies kinda killed that scene. Instrumental rock needs an enema.
Travis: Have you heard this, bruh? Fuck that math-equation rock. I don't know these Spencer Seim and Zach Hill guys very well, but this aggro-prog-noise shit they're doing is raw.
Aaron: Yeah, this Zach guy's drumming is the shit. Have you heard the title song on Bitches Ain't Shit? The drum track sounds like programming from one of those pretentious Euro "electronic artists." I'd rather eat Kelly Osbourne's burger than listen to that.
Aaron: Indeed. I'm totally stoked on Spencer's guitar on "Rich Kid". It goes from straight-up shred to weird ambient noodling. Axl's tripping. Are you sure this wasn't done on a computer?
Travis: Naw, dude, he's just reppin for the ring modulator. I'm digging the stuttering guitar leads on "D. Elkan Sings Republic of Rough and Ready", too. An' it's got vocals. This is a little more typical indie-rock kinda stuff. Those Pitchfork wieners will dig this.
Travis: It's a different version of a track off their first album, Hold Your Horse Is. I think it works better without the vocals.
Travis: You got a point. [pause] The drummer's still doing those whacked-out polyrhythms on "Your DJ Children". It's a little dancey for my taste. Bummer.
Aaron: "Post-Ivy League Depression" sounds kinda like gay electronic jazz. This is dangerously close to pissing me off.
Travis: "Koko B. Ware"... wasn't he the faux-Caribbean wrestler with the parrot? This shit's tite, for sure, tho-- the guitar sounds like a Nintendo game. I heard dude's got a side project called The Advantage that only plays tunes from old 8-bit games.
Aaron: Killer. I bet Vince Vaughn would suck these guys' dicks. I saw that kid at Daddy's and I think he's railing the Rainer Maria chick. Dude gets mad vag.
Travis: I'm gonna pass this Hella shit onto Gary Gersh. My corporate pals always give me lots of free schwag when I tell 'em what the hot new indie shit is. Dipshits.
Travis: So what're you feeling on this one? I think Axl's stoked about this Bitches Ain't Shit EP.
Aaron: Yeah yeah, album title of the year, certainly, but I don't know about this Total Bugs Bunny jive-- I mean, I think Axl would rather sit in his room gacking-out than listen to this more than a couple of times.
Travis: I'm feeling you on that one, brah, but Axl could stand to take in a bit of Hella's nut-swinging on Bitches Ain't Shit.
Aaron: Don't worry 'bout Axl, m'man. They might've pulled the plug on Chinese Democracy, but he'll rebound.
