God, the world's first and greatest purveyor of plagues, chose a number of creative ills with which to humble the ancient Egyptian tyrant Pharaoh, as documented in Dreamworks' 1998 blockbuster Prince of Egypt (in addition to a book called The Bible). God's first two plagues were creative masterpieces: first you had the Rivers of Blood, which were supremely gross. Then, avoiding a sophomore slump, God brought massive pain with the second and ickiest of the plagues, the Swarm of Frogs. Fear the Swarm of Frogs!
God quickly discovered that frogs, although annoying, were not quite annoying enough to break the will of the hard-hearted Pharaoh. So that's when he pulled out the motherfucking gnats. Yeah, gnats. The gnats managed to make both man and beast itch, including Pharaoh, who was duly annoyed. But again, not annoyed enough. Slowly, God turned gnats into boils (side note: I would have given in at boils), boils into locusts, locusts into darkness, and finally, darkness into the King of All Plagues-- that weird wind thing that swept through Egypt, killing all first-born children. Now we're talkin' plagues!
Although not documented in animated movies or religious text, God stuck with the last plague as the plague of choice for future generations. The most famous of those plagues, of course, was the aptly titled Bubonic Plague, aptly titled because 'bubonic' should be a synonym for 'awesome.' The Bubonic Plague was a very dangerous disease that spread rapidly and caused many deaths at a number of points in history. The first records of the plague document the disease as wiping out Athens in 430 B.C., then later slaying 5000 a day in Rome in 262 A.D. But the plague never gained its full nasty stature and nasty nickname, The Black Death, until it crushed Europe in the 1300s, killing a full quarter of the population. So much for the Swarm of Frogs.
Although modern agriculture has minimized the threat of Swarms of Frogs, and modern medicine the threat of most rapidly communicable fatal diseases, it remains that we, the music fans of the 21st century, have a plague of our own. Our plague-- like the historical plagues of yore-- torment, vex, annoy and trouble. Our plague is uniform and predictable, attacking with the same methodic formula, overburdening us with sonic monotony, and annoying us with puerile lyricism under the guise of deeply affected emotion. Our plague attacks with a cunning ruse, purporting to offer a more profound aesthetic than radio rap-rock. But be ye not fooled! Fact is, this stuff is simply Bizarro world rap-rock. It's just as thin, just as commercially driven, and just as boring. Moreover, it has spread quickly, and Liars Academy is proof.
If you like The Promise Ring and The Get Up Kids, you'll appreciate knowing that Liars Academy does, too. From start to finish, No News Is Good News unwittingly plays up the stereotype of pestilence; formulaic, overdriven guitars, punkish rhythms, and candy-sweet proto-melodies, driving home typically emotive lyrics. They execute their boredom well, playing as tight as you would expect for pop music's unpopular alter ego. But alas, the bottom line is this: it blows, and blows badly. Buy it and you will seal your own fate, ordaining yourself an emo connoisseur as you dig deep into the bins of filth. You may not die, but you may wish you had when you see what it does to your wardrobe.
