Date: Wed, 29 Sep 1999 17:55:41 -0400From: Snake [vanhalenfan@secretpolice.co.uk]X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.06 [en] (Win98; I)To: Tony Blair [henchman12@lucifer.co.uk]Subject: X-Plaid922-1; Request for Government Assistance
My position is as an undercover agent in London's secret police mafia. I have been hired to investigate allegations that two former members of Black Dog Productions, Ed Handley and Andy Turner, have illegally obtained official documents pertaining to the creation of a highly addictive, mind- altering chemical agent (referred to in goverment documents as X-Plaid922-1) which affects its victims via audio transmissions rather than means of physical intake.
I am concerned that Handley and Turner may have, under the alias of Plaid, not only unlocked previously unrealized secrets about the production of this chemical agent, but also discovered a way to digitally reproduce it onto compact discs, cassettes, and even vinyl records. As you know, it is the reproduction of the X-Plaid agent to compact disc that is of the utmost concern. In this technologically- advanced society, nearly every home has a compact disc unit. Handley and Turner must be stopped before every person on this Earth becomes an X-Plaid junkie.
The first piece of evidence I have obtained is their 1998 release Not for Threes. The music on this record is so painfully wonderful that even I, Snake "Nerves of Steel" Snakeman, was almost drawn into its tangled web of madness. The album is an excellent indication that Handley and Turner are not working alone. Not for Threes features guest appearances by a number of female vocalists, among them Talkin' Loud Records diva Nicolette and even Icelandic sensation Bjork. When tested for levels of the addictive X-Plaid agent, Not for Threes registered a 7.5 out of 10 on Pitchfork- funded equipment. Luckily, the album did not gain widespread mainstream acceptance, though the minds of a number of club- hopping e-consuming electronic music fans were utterly destroyed.
The greatest shock to me is how an album containing the X-Plaid agent, let alone such excessive amounts, was able to garner enough of a following for the band to appear on our own BBC- operated John Peel show! Thankfully, Plaid had apparently not yet perfected their aural narcotic, as Pitchfork equipment registered X-Plaid levels for the band's subsequent Peel Session EP at a slightly less potent 6.8.
Plaid's latest album, Rest Proof Clockwork, is another story entirely. Here, they seem to have enhanced and mutated the X-Plaid agent dramatically through more varied instrumentation and exploration of what is commonly referred to as melodic "ambient" music. This allows the listener to lose themselves completely in a world of X-Plaid- induced bliss, whether they're paying attention to the music or not. A key demonstration of this is the album's closing track, "Air Locked." The music begins with a series of percussive shuffles and squeaks before beautiful, highly melodic chimes and digital effects enter the mix. The sound is almost spiritual, invoking cinematic rainforest imagery.
The X-Plaid agent is planted throughout this entire record, making it difficult or impossible to resist addiction. For instance, the orchestral "Dead Sea" is an irresistable symphony of pure evil, recalling Jerry Goldsmith's timeless score to "Poltergeist." "Little People" is a blend of \xB5-Ziq's spacy melodic attack, and pummelling, cut-up hip-hop grooves. "Pino Pomo" combines backwards effects with the feel of a futuristic spaghetti western. Even the absurdly titled "New Bass Hippo" pulls through, incorporating shuffling percussion and a Stereolab- influenced piano line.
With every passing second I work on this case, I find myself becoming more and more attached to the sound of the music, but I must venture on... to justice. I will require government assistance-- backup, arms, further documentation from the X-Plaid922-1 file, and a free lunch at the Denny's in Golden Valley, Minnesota, USA-- in apprehending these two zany, madcap individuals. Please respond ASAP.
----Snake Snakeman,Secret Police MafiaCheck out my Simpsons website:http://www.simpsons.secretpolice.co.uk
