Bailiff: The Court will now hear the case of Style vs. Substance, the Honorable Judge Rock Presiding.
Judge Rock: Good afternoon. Style seeks separation from Substance. Style, on what grounds do you seek separation?
Style: Well, Your Honor, Substance is holding me back. I believe that I can function better without his restrictions and demands, and that I'm capable of surviving on my own.
Style: Yes, Your Honor. The plaintiff presents Cousteau's eponymous debut album as evidence that I can indeed prevail without the presence of Substance.
Substance: Your Honor, it is indeed possible for Style to exist without me, but the products that arise from it will be of generally low quality and unsatisfying. They may seem cool at first, but when you dig into them, you'll be missing my contributions, which would make the music worth revisiting.
Judge Rock: I don't know if that's legal or not, but I'm willing to allow it so I can get the hell out of here and have a drink. The Court will now hear the arguments. Style, make it snappy.
Style: Well, I'd like to draw your attention to Exhibit A, the album cover. The black-and-white photo of the band members playing in some anonymous barroom basement is really cool-looking. One glance at that and you know you're in for quality hipster jazz-rock.
Substance: That's true, Your Honor, but take into account that there's really nothing all that jazzy about this music-- unless you're one of those people who thinks that having a flugelhorn player in the band is "jazzy"-- and what do you have? It's not really false advertising, but it's close.
Style: Well, jazziness aside, they do look pretty hip. Moving on from the artwork to the music, though, you'll find some fantastic nighttime sounds. It shares a certain affinity with latter-day mope-rockers like Tindersticks, but it isn't mopey all the time. It's great music for enhancing the mood of a given room. Can't you just picture people getting laid to "The Last Good Day of the Year?" And "Jump in the River" is a great gospel-inflected tune painted in shades of midnight blue.
Substance: Oh, give me a break. You make it sound like something some disinterested music critic would write. Truthfully, it's a decent song, and it sure is moody, but at its core, vocalist Liam McKahey isn't given much to sing. It's a cliched bit about a late night tryst. The printed lyrics even feature the inane homonym, "And so long may she reign/ (So long may she rain)." Songwriter Davey Ray Moor may be a passable multi-instrumentalist, but as a lyricist, he never veers from the beaten paths. "Mesmer" even uses the phrase, "Where angels fear to tread!"
Judge Rock: Indeed, very poor judgment on Style's behalf. Bryan Adams and the Spin Doctors even have songs with this phrase as the title, and I ruled in favor of Substance in both of those cases.
Substance: And as for the music, it's just bland acoustic rock that builds on a blueprint laid out by Scott Walker's first four albums. It all blends nicely, but for me personally, it's proven very difficult to discern one song from another. They're all decent enough on their own, but it's pretty indistinct stuff. In its favor, there are some accomplished solos, but all the violins, guitars, pianos and basses ultimately just mosey along over loungy percussion. "She Don't Hear Your Prayer" is basically soft rock, opening with that most hackneyed of effects: the wind chime.
Style: But there is a song called "Shades of Ruinous Blue." Any Pier One consultant will tell you that shades of ruinous blue are very fashionable this season.
Judge Rock: Okay, I've heard enough. Give me the album. We'll take a 50 minute and 37 second break and I'll be back with my verdict.
Judge Rock: Thank you, you may be seated. I have decided for the defense. Substance is too important for Style to ever function at its maximum potential without it. Cousteau may be a great album for the late-night hours, but I doubt I'd want to wake up with it. Therefore, I'm ordering that Style never be more than the length of a given recording from Substance at all times from this point forward. Any artist found in violation may be stripped of their dignity, and sentenced to life in obscurity. The court is adjourned.
