-That's nice, Mr. Hill. Looking at your file, I see it's been three years since your last check-up. How have you been feeling?
-Better than ever man. I'm so healthy I can drink more than pregnant hookers in heat. I'm so ripped I can stick needles in my arms, then stick needles in my needles' arms. I've fucked so many girls in the last five minutes that I'm gonna be orgasming straight through May. And don't even get me started about how many girls I've fucked in the last five minutes.
-It sounds like you're really living it up, as they say. I assume these are the fruits of your twang-rock band's success?
-Nah, Doc. I said fuck that shit right, that shit wasn't getting me laid. I'm in a rock band now. But get this, me and the guys don't call it a rock band-- we call it a fuck band. Get it?
-Well, I'd love to talk about music with you, but I have lots of other patients to tend to today, so let's proceed with the check-up. Some questions: Have you been exercising at least three times a week?
-She said it because she was like, what the fuck, Jason, am I gonna get some, too? Gimme some of that shit! And then I'm like, fuck you, bitch. I'm a fuck machine with only one speed: fuck.
-Just cough for me, please. Thank you. Mr. Hill, your genitals seem extremely fatigued, maybe even diseased.
-It sounds like you are extremely busy with many things. How do you find time to write songs for your rock band?
-Doc, you joker! All we gotta do is play shit people are familiar with-- like classic rock shit that's, you know, better than everything that comes out today. So I'm like, fuck originality-- just fuck bitches! Shit man, like this new record we made is like Kinks, Beatles, and our best little secret, T. Rex-- you heard about that guy?
-Sweet! Like that's our hope. We're thinking maybe kids won't know about the bands we sound like so they won't be annoyed at how shamelessly we ripped them. It's like, as long as the songs are good, right? They get what they want--rock music that sounds like what they're told the best rock music is supposed to sound like, and I get what I want-- pussysex with sweet virgins right in their dickholes. That's the shit I'm on, man. Man.
-Well you would definitely have me hoodwinked, Mr. Hill. There's one last thing I'd like to check before you leave. Can you stand up straight for me please? I'd like to check for spine curvature.
